I can hear you cringing already…
“Oh god, not another first date article. This is the 20th one I’ve read online this week.”
I’m right there with you. I’m tired of seeing generic first date tips such as “be positive, be yourself, and be nice to the wait staff.”
The advice may be correct but we’ve heard it a thousand times. And that alone doesn’t always ensure successful romantic connections. We need more.
So let’s talk about some actually useful tips for a first date.
There are different levels of personal space. As you get physically closer to someone, it feels more and more intimate for the both of you. When a woman accepts you being in her close, personal space, she will subconsciously feel more comfortable around you. That comfort then paves the way for attraction.
Sit next to her at dinner or drinks rather than across the table. Whenever you’re sitting together (on a bench, on the ground, in a cab) position yourself so that your bodies are touching or nearly touching.
The same goes for when you’re walking or standing in line: your arms and shoulders should graze one another. She should feel your physical presence throughout the entire date.
The worst thing you can do is maintain an awkward distance from her. This can actually cause feelings of unfamiliarity and defensiveness.
If you treat her like a stranger, she’s going to feel like a stranger.
Stop trying to prove yourself
So you’ve got a date with a beautiful woman. You’re thinking, “How do I win her over? How do I convince her I’m good enough? How do I not fuck this up?”
I don’t care how hot this girl is. Beauty is common. I don’t care if this is a rare opportunity for you. Start creating more opportunities for yourself by approaching women regularly.
You have no idea whether or not this girl is good for you. Stop trying to win over someone you barely know.
Your mindset should be:
“Who is she? What are her values, interests, and aspirations? Does she have a good sense of humor? Is she worth my time, energy, and investment?”
This involves speaking less and listening more. Slow down. Let her do most of the talking and take the pressure off of yourself. Ask deeper questions that help you screen for the qualities you desire in a woman. Then share a relevant opinion, story, or joke when it feels natural.
Keep in mind that she chose to go on a date with you, so she’s already open to being romantic.
Don’t suck up to her or try to force your connection.
You don’t need to fill every silence. You don’t need to be amazed at everything she tells you. You don’t need to agree with everything she says. You don’t need to constantly express how similar you two are. And you should only compliment her when she earns it. One real compliment carries far more weight than several fake ones.
Studies confirm these findings as well:
“Women may perceive a responsive stranger as less desirable for different reasons,” said Birnbaum in a press release. “Women may perceive this person as inappropriately nice and manipulative (i.e., trying to obtain sexual favors) or eager to please, perhaps even as desperate, and therefore less sexually appealing.”
Rather than trying to empathize with a new interest, “just really listen, without interrupting,” says Birnbaum.
This isn’t about pretending to be cool. This is about seeing yourself as a worthy catch and giving her the chance to win you over.
Use the environment to your advantage
Don’t just go for dinner or coffee because it’s “what people do”. In fact, those venues can be difficult for inexperienced men because it forces constant conversation in an interview style (sitting across from each other).
Do something you’ll actually enjoy and that helps the date go smoothly. Bonus points if it’s a shared commonality.
- Pick something that creates a sense of fun or adventure. Anything that makes you laugh or generates positive emotions will alleviate nervous tension.Examples: arcade, go-karts, dancing, comedy show
- Pick somewhere atmospheric. A romantic setting helps set the right tone. It’s calming, intimate, and makes her feel special.Examples: wine tasting event at night, walk on the beach, jazz lounge
- Choose something where it’s easy to create physical contact. Activities in which you can move around and be close to one another facilitate natural touching.Examples: karaoke, hiking, music shows, outdoor festivals
- Choose somewhere you feel confident. For example, if you’re awesome at pool, play a few games with her. You’ll feel comfortable in your own element. You’ll demonstrate your value by showcasing your skill (and even teaching her something new.)Examples: pool hall, bowling, science museum
Hitting one or two of these points will make things that much easier for you. You can get additional ideas from my article on how to plan a first date.
Move with her
You want to lead a woman on an experience with you throughout the date. The only exception is if either of you explicitly have somewhere else to be later.
There are three important reasons for changing venues. It…
- Creates a memorable adventure. Different settings and activities makes it feel like you spent more time together than you actually did. She’s also more likely to remember this special journey with you.
- Gets her to invest in you. We place a higher value on things we invest in. If she accepts your lead, she’ll feel more trusting and comfortable with you. It also uses the foot-in-the-door technique so she’ll have an easier time saying yes to going back to her place or yours.
- Allows for more privacy and intimacy. You’re probably not going to kiss her or talk about personal subjects in Starbucks with 20 people around. But you will when you’re sitting alone at the beach.
Some examples of this are:
Coffee shop -> walk through downtown -> sit on the grass or bench at the park
Skee ball at an arcade -> ice cream -> romantic stroll on boardwalk
Drinks at a bar -> bowling or a comedy show -> wine back at your place
Have her accept her feelings for you
You’re on a DATE with a girl and you want a romantic connection, right? For that to happen, the girl needs to accept you as a potential intimate partner. She needs to admit to you and to herself that she sees you that way.
Do this by getting her to show interest in you or return your flirtatious advances. This can be though spoken or non-spoken cues. But you need to lead it there by flirting first.
- Give her a seductive look. Prolonged eye contact, devilish smirks, and biting your lip show your intentions. If she returns these non-verbal cues, it’s on.
- Pay her a bold compliment. Saying something like, “Are you always this cute?” or “I think it’s sexy you’re so dedicated to your career.” If she accepts them or returns a compliment, “Yeah, are you always that handsome in a polo?” or “Well I think it’s sexy you just said that.”, she’s returning that interest.
- Roleplaying and discussing the future (playfully). Making lighthearted statements about you two being together after the date can cement things in her mind. This also removes the feeling of you as strangers. You can jokingly talk about your upcoming vacation plans together, her being your new legal secretary, or even getting married in Vegas.
- Get into more intimate topics. When she’s talking about sex with you, that means she’s thinking about sex – maybe with you. Don’t be afraid to ask more forward questions.You can segue into it with, “Now that we’ve been getting to know each other, tell me something I don’t know…” Or “It may be the drinks but I want to ask you something personal.” Then you go into, “So what do you find most attractive in a man?” or “What’s something that secretly turns you on?”
- Accuse her of liking you. “Aww, you must really like me…” Or “You’re definitely hitting on me right now.” She’s into you if she responds with something like, “Maybe I do ;)” Or “Only a little.”
However, one of the most concrete ways to secure her interest in you is…
Go for a kiss, damn it — sometimes twice
This one point will greatly influence your success rate.
Notice I said go for a kiss and not get a kiss? Yes, I’ve found that even the men who attempt a kiss but don’t get it immediately have a higher chance of building a romantic connection. The guys who don’t try at all are the least likely to get another opportunity.
But how do you know when to go for a kiss?
Use touch as a litmus test and read her body language. Create physical contact early and often. If she’s receptive (positive, smiling, still engaged in conversation) increase the intimacy of the touches.
If you’ve made it at least halfway through a date and she’s still having fun – assume she’s ready for a kiss. You don’t need to wait for a blatant signal because most women will never give it to you. And please don’t wait until the very last minute, it will spoil the surprise.
You can do this anywhere. While sitting next to her, while standing together, or even while walking. Here’s how…
Wherever you are, stop talking. You can even get her attention by softly saying, “Come here” or “Sshhh…” Look her deep in the eyes for a few seconds. You want her to gaze back into yours.
Then either step towards her or bring her into you. Pull her in by the hand or by the waist. Move in slowly and kiss her.
Don’t rush any of this. Take your time. Looking into her eyes and moving in slowly lets her realize you’re going in for a kiss. It gives her a chance to accept or deny your advance.
She’s going to respond one of three ways:
- Positive: She kisses you back.
- Neutral: She gently turns to give you her cheek. She hesitates or looks shy about it. Or she says something like, “I’m not ready yet.” Or “Not here.”
- Negative: She completely pulls away. She looks upset. Or she flat out says, “I’m sorry but I don’t see you that way.” Or “I don’t kiss on the first date.”
If you get a positive response, the romantic barrier is broken. You can keep kissing her periodically throughout the date and see where things go. With a strong negative response, you shouldn’t try to kiss her again – at least on this date.
But with a neutral response, this is where things become interesting (and controversial). Many times women are simply caught off guard, nervous, or need a little bit more time.
In those instances, roll back into conversation with her for a while. Then consider attempting the kiss again before the end of the date. Often all women need is a little more time to feel comfortable and the second attempt is a success.